Monday, October 10, 2005

Rant: Top Coffee Peeves

I recently saw the movie Kicking and Screaming on a flight from PHL to LAX. It would have been yet another forgetful comedy if it hadn't been for the numerous coffee-related scenes where the main character 'discovers' coffee.

Some of those scenes reminded me of a few pet peeves I'd like to share about waiting in line for coffee at the local Starbucks/Coffee Bean/Etc.

Cellphones
I'm not against cellphones. I'm against idiots with cellphones who stand at the front of a long line of caffeine-deprived zombies, having a full conversation while the salesperson patiently waits for them to blurt out orders in between "uh huh, yeah, he said what?, really?, yeah..." That's just so wrong.

People Who Just Ordered And Stand In Front Of The Counter
Okay, you've just ordered your half-caff soy light-foam macchiato. Not only is that going to take a while, there are already ten other people who also just ordered, waiting for their drink. What do you do? Well if you're an idiot, you'll rush up to the counter where they hand out completed orders and lean over it like you're ready for the Olympic marathon baton hand-off. Oh, and don't forget to answer that cellphone call...

Regulars
It seems that coffee shops like to cater to repeat customers, greeting them by name and having their drink ready before they arrive-- while the rest of us stand in line like we're in Coach Class or something. Maybe they should charge more for that First Class service. Then those customers wouldn't be so inclined to strike up a conversation with the Barista while the little people are waiting for their drink.

People Who Think They're In A Real Coffee House
On a past visit to a local Starbucks, the guy in front of me ordered French Press. The salesperson didn't even know what it was, and the other person behind the counter gave this bewildered look, then disappeared in the back of the store (presumably the same place from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark) and returned with a press. The whole process would have been humorous except that I was waiting behind this guy. After they got the press, he started giving them instructions on how he liked his coffee. Sheesh, guy, this is just Starbucks!!

Bulk Orders
Great there's just one person in front you. But when they get to the front, they uncrumple a wad of paper with a long list of cryptic orders from everyone back at the home/office/club/whatever. Oh, joy.

As you can see, most of my peeves have to do with other people getting in the way of my coffee. It comes with the territory of being a caffeine fiend. Deal with it.